Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Truth

I feel like I've been lied to.  When we left the hospital with Drea, we were given a variety of "tools" and very general, and seemingly "easy-to-follow" instructions.  One of the tools we received was the Infant Bulb Syringe.  I don't know if this is the clinical name, but we refer to it as the "sucky thing."  For some reason, the manufacturers of the sucky thing do not give you instructions?  They really should have. 

Someone should have warned us of this tool's nastiness.
These are the instructions I created and plan on submitting to the manufacturer.  It's only fair for other new parents.

Step 1:  Recruit a Team Member - this is not a one-person job.

Step 2:  Hold Bulb behind your back so the child does not see it.  Please note - You should only perform this if you are, or were a Navy Seal and have been professionally trained in stealth missions.

Step 3:  Instruct your team member to hold the child's arms down - this needs to be performed within 0.5 seconds and done with the strength of 10 men, as it is common for any child - ages 0-5 - to gain super-human strength to fend off the Bulb.

* The following steps need to be performed within 1.5 seconds - please practice on a pet, or yourself until mastered as it will only make life easier *

Step 4:  Sneak the bulb into perfect alignment with the tiniest nostril you have ever encountered.  Simultaneously squeeze the bulb and swing it into position with said tiny nostril.

  Step 4a:  If you accidentally poke your child in the eye with tip of the Bulb, do not release it as this will only suck moisture out of the eye and this is not recommended.

  Step 4b:  If you hit anything other than your child's itty bitty nostril, follow this set of instructions --

    STOP -- hide the Bulb -- pick up your child -- begin playing -- change toys a few times until your
    child calms down -- bring them to a new room so as not to remind them of what just happened --
    Resume from Step 1.

Step 5:  Within 0.5 seconds - suck snot out of first nostril - release Bulb and wipe it on your pants (luckily you have changed out of your work clothes before attempting this).

Step 6:  Within 0.5 seconds - suck snot out of second nostril - release Bulb and wipe it on your pants. 
* Please note - you should not wipe in the same area as this is counter-productive and you will have snot all over the place.

Step 7:  Say a quick prayer that you got all of the snot out of both teeny nostrils.

Step 8:  Prepare to be really fun for the rest of the night to make up for the trauma you caused.

Since Drea has had a cold for a couple of weeks, I now consider Dustin & I masters of the sucky thing, but I'm pretty sure she still considers us amateurs.


  1. Andrea - I was just LAUGHING out loud to myself! This is sooo true and you have come up with the perfect instructions!!!! You are hilarious!

  2. Okay, I am about to have baby #3 and I still don't think I have ever used this successfully. I can't ever get it to actually suck anything!!! You might be hired to help when this little one comes!